The Lighted Path

I remember when I received word from my husband that I was asked to read a scripture or two and talk about the birth of Christ for a Christmas program at a church in Opelika, Alabama.

I turned to him and said, "What?"

He reiterated the point and I said, "Wow, are you sure they said me and not you?" He assured me that I was "it".

Okay, I have never been more uncomfortable in my life. Have I ever spoken in front of people before? Yes! Was it awkward then? Yes, but at least the topic was one I was comfortable with or something I was permitted to choose. I have ministered with my husband about relationships. I have spoken to women who were discouraged in their marriage. I have recited poetry, and even led praise and worship (mostly in a back-up position), but I led nevertheless; however, this request was something altogether different. It wasn't a topic I was comfortable with and I thought my husband would have been a better choice.

Several times I thought I would turn it down and even defer to Troy. This was more of a topic in his comfort zone than mine. I thought of this path as dark, and dreary. Not because I didn't know about the birth of Jesus or what the importance of it was or is, but it was a new topic for me. My husband would have walked down this path with ease, I thought. But I remembered saying to the Lord some months back, that I would not turn down another opportunity to minister. The greater plan for me has to start somewhere so "here am I Lord, send me." I literally spoke those words, however, that monkey called "fear" jumped right on my back and dug his nails into my shoulders. He had a death grip on me. He was determined to pull me down to the ground and douse the fire once again. But, something rose up within me and I said No, not this time! Even if I fall on my face, I'm going to do this.

One of the sisters from the church called me to confirm that I had gotten the message from Troy and asked if I was okay with it. I told her honestly, "Sister I'm trying to be okay with it, but I can't lie!" However, I did express that I would be obedient and let the Lord have His way. She found this to be hilarious (thank God)! I thought, thank you Jesus, she understands and she also has a sense of humor. But that monkey said, "Ha, you're stuck now!" OMG! What will I say?

Wow! What "WILL" I say about the birth of Jesus, in a word? Lord knows, "ain't nothin' simple about Jesus or His birth, so what in the world will I say?" I hate being in an awkward place especially when I feel unprepared or rushed, and it seemed as though time was closing in on me. At this point I had just officially committed myself to step in with both feet. Again, I'm thinking, Wow! The birth of Christ summed up with one or two scriptures and a short talk. I didn't think I could do it, but as the Lord led, things began to come together. I selected a passage of scriptures to expound upon in my own way using practical examples of every day life. Now all the while I'm thinking, I'm not a preacher, I'm not loud or charismatic. I'm not Troy! They've heard him speak and surely they'll be expecting me to be charismatic and boisterous. How will they receive me if I simply talk to them? I just knew they would be disappointed. I thought Lord, I can't "do" this!

And the Lord said, "That's exactly right. You can't DO this!" God said clearly, I don't want you to "do" anything, but everything I tell you! I don't want you to try to please them but be a vessel of honor unto Me. No matter what comes out of your mouth, I'll be The One speaking. If no one claps, shouts or pats you on the back, I will be smiling upon you. Is that good enough for you?"

At that moment the Lord had put me in check! Why was I fretting over what I would "do" or what they would say about it? I worried that they wouldn't receive it or they would be let down if I didn't bring "a word" that they would talk about after it was finished. In mid-thought, a scripture popped into my head..."the steps of a righteous man are ordered by the Lord." This was an ordered step for me to take. It wasn't for Troy to take, or for the pastor of that house, it was an ordered step for Dee Towns!

I thought about other times when I had declined opportunities to speak before a group of people. I had reasons or excuses actually (if I'm being honest), all the while wondering why the Lord said He was going to use me, but He had not done it yet. The Lord had set many a path before me, but I didn't recognize the light for the dark thoughts that clouded my spiritual insight. I was expecting Him to use me in the way I thought He would, without giving credence to the fact that He would use me in the capacity in which He had chosen. Sometimes this looks and feels extremely awkward because we put God in a box and allow our opinions, reasonings and carnal interpretations of our own calling, to prevent us from walking in our destiny.

But God showed me my own uniqueness. He reminded me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made in His image and likeness not to be compared to any other. He also revealed the inferiority complex I had allowed the enemy to impregnate me with. I had not realized it until that day, but I had given birth to a stronghold of inferiority. That monkey was on my back but not because he had jumped on it, but because I was carrying him like a baby kangaroo in his mother's pouch. He was right at home. I had begun to see myself as inferior to my husband. I compared myself to him and lessened my own spiritual importance because I felt I would not measure up.

But the Lord says, "I know the plan which I think towards you, thoughts of good and not evil, to give you an expected end." I did not expect my ending to be a happy one. I did not expect my ending to be one that others would recognize or appreciate so I figured I would just step off the course and let someone else finish the journey.

But God! December 19th came and I woke up feeling good about the day the Lord had made. We attended the early morning service at our home church and later traveled to Opelika for the program. I was so sleepy, I almost got whiplash on the drive up. I tried to read my notes, but couldn't stay awake. My eyes remained closed for the majority of the trip. We went into the building, as the program was just about to start and as I took my seat, there that monkey was again...

I read the program, found "my place" and tried to enjoy everything that came before it as best I could. At last it was time and I silently cried out to God one last time. As I stepped up to the podium to speak, I briefly closed my eyes and took a deep breath. The breath of "new life" filled my nostrils and I could feel the weight of the now "dead monkey" on my back. I said, "use me Lord" and like a thud, that monkey fell to the ground as He poured out His grace upon me one more time. As I felt it travel down my forehead and cascade across the lids of my eyes, I opened them and there before me was The Lighted Path!